Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes,

Does being a breadwinner ever end? 

I am the eldest among 4 children. My mother is a stay-at-home mom, while my dad is working in a factory. Upon graduating college, my family has shifted most of the responsibilities to me. I have to pay for my youngest brother’s senior high school tuition fee. I pay for our groceries. And now, my father just got a secondhand car and asked me to contribute to its payment.

I was raised to be family oriented so I can’t really say no to them. I would feel very guilty to do so when my mom cooks for me and washes and irons my uniform for me. I feel like moving out would be a harder option.

They have no insurance or retirement plans. How do I stop feeling guilty every time I spend something for myself? I have an upcoming vacation in another town as a reward for myself but I keep feeling an intense guilt about not bringing my family along. They would love to see the view, eat the food, and experience the activities there as well. But I can’t afford to bring everyone yet and this is something that I wanted to treat myself because of all my stress from work. How can I manage these guilt feelings?

– Cara

Dear Cara,

We have addressed the issues of filial piety and the obligations imposed on children to support their parents and/or siblings on a number of occasions recently, but these issues, of course, continue to arise. 

Your case, Cara, is undoubtedly being repeated again and again throughout the country, causing pain and guilt to those burdened while benefitting the rest of their families. 

That the fortunate should help those less fortunate, whether because of age, economics, infirmity or simply circumstances, is a view that has deep cultural and spiritual roots. 

Less trumpeted is the notion that there should be limits placed on this philosophy. Honoring one’s parents may be multicultural, rooted inter alia in Confucianism and the Hebrew Bible, but does that mean it should be absolute? Even the Bible makes it conditional: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:20–21).

Where those limits lie may vary from case to case but just as there is merit to helping others, so there is in helping oneself. There is little or no virtue, after all, in merely sitting back and expecting others to do the heavy lifting if one can actually do something positive oneself to alleviate the burden.

Cara, you are justifiably concerned that your current situation as provider of last resort to your entire family should not become a modern-day version of lifelong indentured servitude. Through no choice of your own, you are the eldest and have been born with the smarts to graduate college. You have willingly accepted the burden that this places on you but are fully aware of the toll it is taking on you today and the potential toll for the future.

There is however hope. A dispassionate analysis of your situation suggests at least a few areas where alleviation should be possible. Firstly, your siblings are or will become adults and get jobs. This will mean that your burden can be shared. Secondly, your mother could perhaps get a job herself and make some sort of contribution to the family finances.

A family discussion of the current and future situation would help towards managing everybody’s expectations. A division of labor and responsibilities is called for. These conversations are easy to recommend but often difficult to conduct. How to do so varies case to case. Preparing your argument and listening to the others is crucial if a positive outcome is to be achieved.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Cara:

Thank you very much for your letter which underscores how most people in the West deal differently with their parents’ unreasonable expectations when compared to most people from the East.  Most Westerners would view this issue primarily as an issue of “setting boundaries”.  

However, in my clinical experience, a parental expectation that they can stop working once their eldest child graduates and finally supports them is more difficult to counter.  Our collectivist culture practically supports this expectation unequivocally. So it is more difficult for a child to set limits on their parents’ expectations because they have hardly any good models for doing so. That is why you feel guilty, Cara.

Generally, (white) American culture is more individualistic than ours. That might be why westerners who are also pressured by their parents to support them can more easily say no, not as concerned as we generally are about upsetting their family the way you and others similarly burdened are. 

Our broader cultural ideas about relationships combined with our (typical) Filipino family dynamics contribute to how guilty or ashamed you’ll feel when trying to set and uphold boundaries with your parents. They obviously expect you to do what they themselves want to stop doing, despite their being young enough to continue working and despite this being their responsibility even in the most collectivist society. Indeed, they have robbed you of the joy of earning your own money and at least have enough to do as you please guilt free, while still giving something back to your family .

You need to set boundaries to save yourself from being a martyr your entire life.  

Think about it, Cara. I doubt you would ever burden your own children the way your parents have burdened you. In other words, despite our culture’s expectations, the way your parents immediately transferred their responsibility to you show an utter inability to put themselves in your place.  They seem to lack any capacity to appreciate your own developmental needs.

Alas, the guilt you feel is normal. BUT, if you work on seeing the origins of these feelings, understanding them to be the conditioned responses they are, hopefully the guilt might lessen. For your own mental health, I hope it does. 

Something that might help …

For Guilt #1: “My mom cooks, washes etc for me so how can I say no to them.” By reminding yourself that what you would pay for someone to do these chores would be way less than what they ask of you!

For Guilt # 2: “They have no insurance or retirement plans so how do I stop feeling guilty every time I spend something for myself?” By reminding yourself that while you want to help and actually might a little bit, you have your own retirement and insurance to take care of so that your own children are not robbed of their own earnings the way you have been.

Finally for Guilt # 3: “I am treating myself to a much needed vacation from all my work. How do I not feel guilty because I am not taking them?” First, by reminding yourself you cannot afford to.  You have no savings, no disposable income : your parents have made sure of that.  Also, by reminding yourself that, since you are now the only one working to support your entire family, you are thus the first one who should be granted a vacation.

My dearest Cara, I am so sorry that you have the bad luck to have parents who have no compunction about saddling you with their duties.  If you have been taught that this was your duty from childhood, it will not be easy to get rid of the guilt. BUT I am hoping that, little by little you will get better at dealing with it. Please feel free to write us again about this so we can share some “tips” you might consider.  

My very best wishes and good luck!

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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