Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

5 years ago I married my husband, When we first met two years before, I was his student, 17; and he my philosophy professor, 45. It took so long for us to get married because it was so long to finally get the annulment from his wife. But it was love at first sight.

None in his family liked me. Even after we got married, they still considered me a home wrecker. But he had been unfaithful many times before. But they still believe I broke up his marriage. I know I did not, but my husband did not defend me enough whenever they accused me of this.

Perhaps that is why I created a “minor scandal” (his words, not mine) the first time he took me to meet his larger family. This was for the December 31 party they have every year. I remember it clearly.  December 2019.  We were already married then. I heard him talking to one of his aunties who kept on referring to me as “that woman.”  He did not correct her.

I got drunk. My husband accused me of creating a scene. But all I did was dance sexily to the music that was playing at the party. Oh yes, I played with my scarf the way sexy women do on TV.  Everyone was quiet after my dance, but I noticed all the men looking at me. The women too, but with disgust.

We fought when we get home. Since then I have never gone with him to their New Year’s parties.  All I do is join some of his family members for quiet dinners, never more than 6 of us meeting at a time, and always the same ones.

But this year, he suggested I go with him…again. This is after 5 years of not going. I don’t want to misbehave but I am worried that if his auntie starts saying those things again, I will get triggered and misbehave. 

I have no right to jump the queue so you answer my letter before NY. I can only hope that, like Estelle  who you helped answer because of her Christmas dilemma, you help me with my NY dilemma before it takes place. Thank you for whatever help you can give me.

– Kristine

Dear Kristine,

It is now five years since the “minor scandal” and clearly you have had time to reflect on what happened. I am not sure that you have however drawn the correct conclusions.

Let’s look at what transpired in December 2019 from a number of viewpoints, starting with yours. You felt that Don’s family misrepresented the truth of your relationship, disrespected you and additionally you felt abandoned by your husband just when you needed his support. 

Your reaction was to double down and behave badly, just like a teenager might. Don’s family, seeing this performance, will have had their view of you confirmed — immature, out of control, an unsuitable wife, etc.

You now have the opportunity to play the same scene a second time, hopefully to greater effect. How you behave will of course reflect the outcome you desire. 

It seems you expect a rerun of December 2019, with critical comments and the rest. Well, firstly, do not deceive yourself into thinking this is genuine psychological “triggering.” It is merely behavior that causes you annoyance or discomfort, something that you can easily resist if you so choose.

You might well decide to discuss this entire matter with your husband first, if you haven’t already. With his support, 2019 might have had a different outcome, after all. Why did he not correct the accusation of home wrecker?  Why did he not defend you publicly? Answers are as valid today as they were then. 

Also, after the minor scandal and 5 years of relative purdah, why does he want you both to go to the party? Is his behavior going to change? For that matter, which of your different personae are you going to exhibit: the pouty teenager or the more mature adult that you have hopefully become?

You and Don have much to reflect on and any claim to have been triggered will simply be a lame attempt to disclaim responsibility for future actions. that are actually entirely within your control.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Dear Kristine:

Thank you very much for your letter. Many do not have the discipline to write about what is so important and extraordinary in their lives in the admirably short way you did.  Neither would many possess the ability to explain why their asking for a favor (your last paragraph) might be warranted, despite knowing that it is a big ask.  

Realizing you possess such gifts, do you think you could apply them to the following situations:

1. Considering the possibility at Don’s aunt yapping away as a trigger warning, and thus having the discipline to behave as the unflappably mature 24-year old you can be, if not already are.

2. Have Don clarify what his marriage means to him. He needs to share this with his relatives, with you, and most importantly himself.

Yes, one should fight one’s own battles, but if the Goliath is his family, you as David need the slingshot of Don’s truth to arm yourself with. Hopefully, a battle to the death will not be warranted.  Hopefully, Don’s clarification will be enough so that your sling need not be shot at all.

BUT in case it isn’t, then it would probably be due to the two reasons below (or anything in between):

1. They did not take Don’s clarification on board so you and he can decide what to do as a couple; or
2. Don’s clarification was not sufficient so you, I hope, will leave him.

If you feel my final suggestion to be unfair, unwarranted, or too harsh, please write to us again.  

All the best and Happy New Year,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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