Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
May I just ask a question please?
I had a problem with my husband before. He had an affair with a married woman. They are no longer together now.
My problem is I know that they are no longer together but I still cannot give my husband my full trust. I can see his effort to make our relationship as good as before, and I appreciate his trying.
But, I still see her cell phone number on his phone. He always says that they are definitely not on. He always reminds me that this woman is also married.
I know deep in my heart that they are no longer together, but why do I doubt him so much?
Every time I have doubts, I wind up realizing there was no reason to doubt. Napahiya ako sa sarili ko (so I wind up embarrassing myself).
What would the better thing to do? Should I stop checking his cell phone? Would that be the correct thing to do? Please help me save my relationship.
– Alee
Dear Alee,
There are some guidelines which can help the recovery from infidelity.
First, it takes time. The betrayed partner needs time to grieve and process their emotions, while the partner who strayed needs to show genuine commitment to change.
The betrayed partner may have every right to feel anger and hurt, but eventually if they are truly to work toward forgiveness, they have to let go of the infidelity. The partner who strayed can contribute significantly by taking responsibility for discussing the betrayal and showing a commitment to maintaining the relationship.
Rebuilding trust means creating a new relationship, not restoring the old one. Some couples emerge stronger, with deeper honesty and appreciation for each other. Others realize that ending the relationship is healthier for both parties. Either outcome is valid.
Therapy can help to explore the underlying issues that led to the infidelity and provide guidance through the healing process.
With these in mind, Alee, it seems that your husband’s commitment to change would be considerably reinforced if for example he were to delete the other woman’s number from his phone (his reminder that she is married is irrelevant since marriage is no protection against infidelity).
This sort of residual reminder of his infidelity is very unhelpful to any healing process and leaves you, Alee, facing your doubts even if there is no obvious new reason to suspect him.
It seems that since your own resources may need bolstering with some outside help to discern the way forward, professional help could be a solution to the obstacles currently between you and a successful resolution to your journey.
All the best.
– JAF Baer
Dear Alee,
Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr Baer, for enumerating all the reasons Alee may have difficulty believing her husband and suggestions of how she can understand her pain even more. I agree with them all.
However, perhaps I am not as kind as Mr Baer in interpreting his behavior.
He is gaslighting you because he has no intention to change. In my clinical experience, two factors are absolutely necessary before the mere start of forgiveness and trust can be established.
If your husband is as sorry as he claims to be, he will ask you what he can do so he can make it easier (or, not as difficult) to trust him once more. So far, his only efforts consist of: a) always saying they are definitely not on and b) always reminding you that this woman is also married.
But those were the same circumstances when he was first unfaithful.. you didn’t need reassurance because like most women who trust their husband, you never thought he would be capable of an affair, yet he was; and 2) she is married: both before AND now.
That didn’t stop them then; what has changed so you are reassured he will do otherwise?
What makes him think these “reminders” will reassure you when there was no guarantee he would be faithful before you started doubting him?
Why wouldn’t you doubt if the circumstances under which he was unfaithful are exactly the same as they are now?
If, in addition, he expresses impatience because you “always doubt” him, might it be that he is merely convinced that you will fall for these inane arguments?
He is not truly sorry, he is merely trying to gaslight you. And this is even harder than the first condition, because you both have to come from a place of curiosity rather than a place of judgment.
It will require utmost honesty on his part, and the utmost humility on yours. Because giving both the answers and listening to the reasons will not be easy.
But you need to know the true reasons for his infidelity because kung hindi nagbobolahan lang kayo (if not completely honest, you are merely lying to each other) and that is hardly helpful.
Wishing you both the best of good faith in replacing your previous relationship with a new one where trust rightfully exists because honesty – and hence, vulnerability, prevail
– MG Holmes