Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
May I ask for advice? It’s about writing a condolence letter to my long-time ex-fiancé … we did not have closure. He cheated on me with his now-late second wife.
I was shocked to find out that his wife had died! I felt awkward to even mention how fast karma was to the late wifey.
How do I even address him in the Salutation? Formal as in “Dear Mr. Cruz ”? or like the friendly nicknames we once began with at Law School… Dear Siopao,… From Siomai?
Side note: He used to call me Siomai … he courted with food then so it stayed as terms of endearment to us both.
It was his third time to be unfaithful to me while we were still together. They all died.
First, with the sister of his sister-in-law who died of diabetes complications (she needed financial help so I forgave her)
Second, with my senior in the office. She was my mentor at the office & she was already sick though none in the office knew. She was a widow and died of lung cancer I also forgave her
The third is his late wife. She is a domestic helper, an OFW that he waited to come back from abroad. This third time I no longer forgave. The pain was too much. Eventually he married this third woman. She became his second wife a few months after we broke up abruptly, with angry words.
He is now 60 years old. We met at Law School. At first we were just friends, Then he courted me; but I told him I was gay (just to shoo him away). He persisted, proposed, and said we will build a healthy future for our art-farm life in the province.
I listened to him that time. I was an uninformed optimist. After all that happened between us, I became an informed pessimist.
I gave up on our dreams when I found out about the third girl. There could be more, most likely.
I feel he needs closure with our relationship too.
Despite his needing 24 different medications for life, I truly deeply loved him and cared for him. Our relationship lasted 6 years.
Please tell me how you think my condolence letter to him should read. I look forward to your and Sir Jeremy’s nuggets of wisdom.
– Ava
Dear Ava,
Your letter seems full of unresolved emotions — grief, compassion, and hurt so writing to an ex-fiancé after such history requires care.
First, concentrate on what you are trying to achieve. Are you seeking to offer genuine condolence, achieve closure for yourself, revisit past events or perhaps some combination? What you write and how you write it will depend on this.
As for the letter itself, keep it concise and dignified. Resist any temptation to mention “karma”; or past infidelities. Those observations, however tempting and satisfying, have no place in a condolence message. A possible format might be:
- Open with a simple expression of sympathy
- Acknowledge your shared history briefly without dwelling on past betrayals
- Express genuine wishes for his healing
- Close respectfully
Remember that this letter can provide closure for you as well. By extending compassion to someone who hurt you, you demonstrate growth and maturity that benefits your own healing journey.
Remember too that this may be your final communication with him, so ensure that it reflects your best self, not the pain he caused.
All the best,
– JAF Baer
Dear Ava:
Thank you very much for your letter.
I agree that, despite your six year relationship ending many years ago, you (and probably he) need closure over its angry and abrupt ending. However, given that his wife just died a few days ago, that is unlikely to be his priority right now.
Thus, it is probably realistic to expect (and hope) that for closure (for your relationship) to happen, more communication after your condolence letter will be needed.
It also sounds like you might be ready for a new relationship blossoming between you both now that his wife has died. This may seem KAKADIRI (totally gross) but consider these, ok?
First, your misdirected, yet laser-focused anger towards what could be totally innocent targets: You mentioned forgiving two of the three women he had relationships during his relationship with you.
But, Ava, don’t you wonder if they, like you, were also fooled by his charm? If they, like you, also believed they were “the only one” and thus never considered they were instrumental in betraying another person? In truth, you could have all been victims of a philanderer, not rivals for a good man’s love.
The late Dr Lourdes Lapuz, in her book Filipino Marriages in Crisis wrote — but much more eloquently, of course — that when a woman directs her anger at the woman (with whom her partner had a secret relationship while with her), rather than at him, that means she wants to continue her relationship with him and blame the other woman entirely.
Second, your unabated anger towards something that happened eons — 15? 20? 24? years ago.
True, it is way more difficult for people to let go and move on to healthier relationships if there was no closure; but it is still possible. When that occurs, forgiveness happens and the anger disappears (or at least diminishes with each passing year).
Your anger is palpable which suggests your feelings are still raw and thus you are as ready now (if not more so ) as you were then to listen to his importunings A man as deceitful as he will definitely pick up on this vulnerability and do what will serve him best.
Please forgive me if I sound like an involved mama Baer rather than a level headed therapist but, as he would probably say in his defense: “Nobody’s perfect.”
Also, history has been known to repeat itself.
In answer to your direct question about the salutation of your condolence letter, my direct answers are:
Address him by his first name. This acknowledges you have/had a friendship with him.
Addressing him by his pet name is too soon and quite too presumptuous. It implies he — or at the very least, you —are willing to pick up from where you left off, despite the abrupt break up.
Addressing him by the more formal “Mr Santos” smacks of playing coy, as if reminding him of your past relationship is more important to you than your condolences.
If you like, you can add something like: “Should you ever need to talk, here is my number…” which leaves the door open for a different relationship with you in the future.
Wishing you the very best of luck, grace, and discernment
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.