Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I am a mother of two children, 4 and 8. They are very happy living with my husband and me, married and under the same roof. But I am unhappy and want to leave him. He never listens to me, never really does what he promises to do after we have “the talk.”
In fairness, he does what he promises, for two weeks, (once, for two months!!) and then it is back to not helping me with the housework, the children’s homework, or the gardening.
We do not have a maid, so I really need his help.
He is not unfaithful. He does not beat me. But I need more than that. Should I leave him? I want to, but the children will be so unhappy.
I work, but not enough to sustain them. I am sure he will help, he is a kind and fair man, but not enough to us to be as comfortable as we are now. And the children will cry.
Any advice welcome. Thank you,
Worried Mom
Dear WM (Worried Mom),
You are caught in that “no man’s land” between a happy marriage and clear grounds for divorce — he isn’t terrible (he doesn’t beat or cheat) but you are unfulfilled. You have told him how you feel and he has shown that he can respond positively, but it never lasts and he slips back into his old habits as though you had never discussed things.
To make matters worse, you are apparently the only one who seems unhappy with the status quo, which casts you in the role of potential disrupter of the current family harmony.
Perhaps it is time to analyze how all the interested parties see the family situation. Your husband appears fleetingly willing to change, tantalizing you with the possibility of an improved relationship, only to backslide and reveal his indifference despite knowing that you feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. This suggests that he simply does not see anything you have said or done as a reason for permanent change on his part.
As for the children, you say they are happy and “will cry” if you break up. It may be that they are rather more perceptive than you give them credit for and recognize (or will recognize as they grow up) that your marriage is troubled and their mother is deeply unhappy, however hard you try to hide it. And a childhood exposed to a resentful mother and troubled marriage might affect them more than seeing their mother face adversity in pursuit of a more fulfilled life.
There are however options between simply gritting your teeth and staying on the one hand and calling it a day and ending the marriage on the other. Given that he has shown that at least temporarily he can improve, perhaps you can have “the talk” again, except this time rather more forcefully, with specific goals in mind and consequences if they are not both reached and maintained.
You can also consider couples therapy, especially if a third party mediator will ease the way to sustainable change.
Whatever you decide, it is advisable to clarify in your own mind beforehand what your goals are and what your red lines are. It will make negotiations easier and show your husband that change is inevitable, whether you stay together or not.
If he understands the potential consequences, he will also understand the choices he too has to make.
You deserve a partner who pulls his weight consistently, not just when reminded, and then you can both show your children what equal partnership looks like.
Best of luck,
– JAF Baer
Dear WM:
Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with everything Mr Baer had put forward, except for one glaring and — to my mind — unfair conclusion: That your husband, WM, is the sole culprit.
Just look at his statements:
- “clear grounds for divorce” Not just yet, in my mind, but definitely later if this keeps on;
- “Your husband…tantalizes you with the possibility of an improved relationship,” I am uncomfortable with the word “tantalizes” which implies a deliberate effort to deceive you, which frankly, I do not see in him at all; and finally,
- “slips back into his old habits as though you had never discussed things.” No, No, No. He has behaved… albeit for a while, so he shows that what you discussed has affected him, you just have to find a way to remind him in a way that lasts longer (if that is possible). Change is a very difficult thing and the fact that he has (if only for a while) shown he has tried — hopefully, is still trying — but just needs more guidance? I say this because I know I have tried, succeeded for some time, then failed abysmally (but not for lack of trying, but to my mind, because old habits die hard…which is why some people sometimes need psychotropics to stop the habit of smoking or the habit of drinking, etc.).
I guess I am trying to say, if you can find it in your heart, can you cut him some slack? You can do this more comfortably (and not feel you are letting him off easy…AGAIN!) by setting a “behavior limit” as to how many times you can cut him this slack (by forgiving his backsliding) and then, yes, do what you have to if he still fails after that limit.
Again, in my opinion — although please tell me if you feel I am asking too much of you. I know you are tired of having to do most of the heavy lifting, and you are probably right, but please hear me out:
If you can find it in your heart to ask from a place of curiosity (instead of from a place of judgment or of exasperation) how you can both frame your requests so as to help your relationship run more smoothly (which you both want) perhaps the chances of his succeeding for a longer time will shoot up dramatically.
In addition, if you can both agree on the best way to tell him before he slips that you worry he might be in the danger of slipping (OR, even better maybe ask him how or what you can both do to encourage him to keep on trying) that might work.
I suggest doing this before he actually slips because, if you are anything like me, if he does (and thus fulfills your expectations) you will shriek like a banshee and scupper any chance of his trying his best.
WM, it is easy to conclude I am unfair, asking you to do more than he, but it is only because you wrote us, so we know you are willing to listen. If your husband ever wrote to us, after we get his perspective, you can bet we will also have him do a lot to save your marriage.
In the end, this is what this is all about, isn’t it? To save your marriage so you both feel it is a vital force in your life worth fighting for but also a delicate bamboo shoot which needs soft words and TLC.
Anyone can stay married, with roles defined even non verbally and, as long as the roles are fulfilled (traditionally, Tarzan=breadwinner; Jane=mother, cook, cleaner) life goes on. But is this really what you want?
Tamping down your sense of wonder, humor, energy because the man in your life can’t be bothered to respond to them… and perhaps neither can you bother to suggest it to him? Reserving all the joy you feel just for your children and female friends? Oh, WM, surely this is not what you — or he — envisioned married life would be like?
Please ask yourself if what you could have, what you did have, is worth several “good old college tries” before you give up?
All the very best,
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com